I know he won't care, just as he hasn't cared any of the other times I have left in the past five years. But I am done doing it BECAUSE OF HIM. For once in my life, I am doing this FOR ME.
I can't take the various stresses he adds to my life on a daily basis, whether it's taking the truck all day (and forgetting to pick me up at work) or not coming home at night (and making me late for work). Throw in his line of work, the warrants for his arrest, the pending lawsuit due to a car accident he was involved in (that made me late for work), and everything in between, and one can see why the past five years (off and on, mind you) has worn me EXTREMELY THIN. I have to leave him for my own sanity's sake.
For years, I have begged my family for a way out of this (non-specifically, that is). I cried, I whined, I asked for advice. No one could tell me what to do. Some said "leave". Then, when they realized that I would always go back, they stopped telling me to leave. They started to say things like, "I don't know what to do for you", "I don't know what to say", or "You have to figure it out for yourself". God damn. If I could have figured it out for myself, I wouldn't have asked for advice. Here I was, begging for a life raft, and my family would have rather watched me drown.
That's truly how I felt.
I felt like no one cared. Not him. Not them. Not me. I was mad at everyone. My employer. My friends. Myself. I blamed everyone and everything except for what was actually to blame. The life raft was right in front of my face, and I was too busy drowning to notice.
So I shall leave and enter a new chapter in my life. And for the first time in five years, the title won't bear his name.
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Nostalgia | Revelations